如何表達

感覺，應如何表達，是一個令人困擾的問題。

混亂

感覺很混亂，希望月中以後會轉好。

無奈

今日我又諗起呢首歌：

是你嗎？你在微微地笑
心跳 如今確是奇妙

在「魁北克」的哥哥、巴士上面的學生、小巴回望嘅男仔……

哈哈，我好變態，經常望住街上邊啲人

但係除咗多啲去文化中心「魁北克」之外我都諗唔到可以做啲乜。

之後我又諗到第二首歌嘅歌詞，來自另一個音樂劇：

我盼當我走到盡頭　他可伴我在身旁

呢句歌詞之後，其實仲有一句。

Coffee

我家有頭狗名 Coffee，從未向朋友露面，它是唐狗，少於一歲。

數天前它死了，父親說原因是它出外吃了不該吃的東西。

雖不是人命，但也是一個小生命，回家時少一個會行會走的動物，有一種說不出的失落感。

原來死是多麼突然，又令我多想人、死、關係、感情的問題。

找不到它的相片，可能遺留在剛報銷的記憶咭裏。

This is crazy talking

I read a blog post by Wil Shipley (who write programs for Delicious Monster). I found it deeply touching, especially near the end, about the feeling of losing everything he loves. Also the question "is genius linked with craziness?" is inspirational, I have given a few thoughts on it, those who understand me should know.

In the last three paragraphs, what he described sounds amazingly familiar.

Fortunately I have never been diagnosed as suffered from depression. Or I should say I haven't been depressed enough to qualify the medical definition of a person suffering depression. It hasn't caused enough impact to my life. If I am not qualified to claim this feeling of mine as depressed, what else can I call it? Sad? It is not sad - I'm not saying that sad is not involved, but it is only part of it.

I have always admired those who have never feel depressed, whose life looked so cheerful, friends never in shortage.

And My heart goes to those who are depressed. I never could imagine how I could endure the hopelessness and everything this brings. I know friends who suffered from depression and I don't know what I could do... there is nothing I can do.

I can't help myself either.

重回

荒廢了這個網誌一段時間，這就是網誌的 period，總是每隔一段時間就完全喪失了寫文字的興緻，喪失了還有表達自己的感覺的衝動。

又或是個人語文能力差，一下子文字難以表達心中所想。

應該是時候改變了，九月，回想上年同一時間，為自己定下目標，現在停滯不前，更看不到將來的道路，又是一陣唏噓。

music matters

星期六晚去咗聽何韻詩 music matters 演唱會。我第一次去會展聽音樂，以前通常係睇乜展乜展多。

我覺得，呢個場嘅氣氛同紅館嗰個好唔同囉。去紅館，就好似係有啲乜嘢盛會咁，黎會展就好似真係聽音樂咁。場地音響係唔錯，不過唔知係咪冇經驗定係其他原因，間唔中有啲拍拍聲或者 feedback。

同埋，我有啲唔係咁滿意嗰啲扭蛋公仔，既然係 music matters，扭蛋呢樣嘢又咁哂資源，係咪應該有啲本末倒置？

講返個場，我覺得啲燈光好靚，連佈置都係好有心思，有好深嘅印象。

係唱緊汽水樽裡的咖啡、勞斯萊斯、光明會等歌曲嘅時候，我聽到我好多人一齊唱，好似大家聚埋舒發自己嘅情感。我都有一齊唱，仲唱得好大聲，話哂都係我啲主題曲。

唔知點解最感動係我聽過好多次嘅天使藍，我朋友話最近知到呢首歌唱乜，我就好耐好耐之前已經參透咗首歌唱乜。

同朋友喺銅鑼灣傾咗一陣，我突然有個感覺：「始終一天，我會甘心接受不會被愛。」而家問題係，我好似仲未接受到。

買咗何韻詩 what really matters 新碟，裡面除咗幽默感幾鍾意之外，仲有一首《月光寶盒》我都好鍾意，尤其是其中兩句歌詞：

總要　容納各樣痛楚至算得存在過
總要　至少試過分開至算迷戀過

迎新營我又想講

上星期身痕做O'Camp 執委，美其名係做嘢其實都係為咗返去玩。返咗工大年半，生活苦悶，又冇乜滋潤，返中大的確係遠離煩囂嘅好地方，尤其係睇住啲新生開展大學生活，而三年之後嘅事，當然係三年之後再算。

除咗做組爸或者 spy 之外，應該已經做哂喺細O可以做嘅角色。原來做完大組長之後返去做執位又係一個新嘅體會，或者我以前冇諗過執位究竟係做乜。我又開始明白，原來做唔同的位置都有佢嘅難處。

玩咗兩三年，一班做執位嘅老餅或者都睇開咗，唔再在意某啲工作應該點做點做。比着係兩年前或者三年前嘅我，一定會嘈到拆天。我咁嘅意思唔代表做嘢求其咗，只不過係，我諗有啲嘢，有佢哋自己嘅做法啩。

呢幾日同新生或輔導員傾計，佢哋都話今年 O'Camp 搞得好好，大家都玩得好開心。就我觀察所得，大家都應該玩得好開心，新生由唔熟玩到熟，雖然最後我要返工睇唔到佢哋走，但我諗應該都係盡興而歸。

不過，個 Camp 搞得成唔成功呢個問題值得深究，因為唔係新生玩得開心就叫做成功。當然啦，O'Camp 最重要係要盡興，如果盡興，大概都成功咗一大半。咁其餘個小半呢？

呢個時候我哋就要諗吓，細 O 嘅對象係乜嘢人呢？

答新生唔係錯，只不過答得唔全面。

唔知籌委又有冇盡興呢？唔知其他老餅又覺得點？

我諗新生都玩得幾熟，但唔知有幾多新生識得二年級嘅籌委呢？

而且，今年嘅安排有好多需要改善嘅地方，我諗有啲籌委都會留意得到。與其他學系比較，高低立見。如果唔係我哋氣氛好，應該都會幾麻煩。可能搞咗咁耐，有啲地方做得無咁完善，一睇就睇到。

當年我都做錯做漏好多嘢，所以我覺得咁都好正常，就好似上面咁講，我睇開咗啲。無論如何，我覺得認真少少會好啲。

如果覺得呢個諗法無聊，我有個簡單啲嘅諗法：如果O'Camp只求盡興，咁不如怒 con 新生就算了，我覺得都應該幾盡興。

我仍然覺得，CS Soc 同其他 Soc 真係有啲唔同。最少會其他 Soc 唔會有個無聊老餅返去玩 O'Camp，之後仲要寫埋啲咁嘅嘢。

後記：今年大組長做得唔錯，要讚。有啲 OC 都做得唔錯，也要讚。

迎新營之後

這數天的我極厚面皮
盡演執委老餅大組長等角色
為的是回到自己的回憶裡頭
再感受一些苦與樂
當然，樂比苦多
這數天我樂透了

今年的迎新營給我一個逃離現實的機會
換另一角度去重看當日的每一點
而這次是我的最後機會
不竟，下年八月中旬
還有誰知道我是何許人？

記得兩年前，曾在營刊裡寫著
要新生享受他們的第一個迎新營
自此過了三個迎新營
有些大組仔女真的參加了全部

想到這裡，我才發現兩年已過
看看現在的生活
想想中大的生活
更添懷念

心情悶熱

套用天氣報告的一句經典說話：「一道低壓槽為華南沿岸帶來不穩定天氣。」雖然近日天氣晴朗但悶熱。又隨處抄來一句話：「悶熱的天氣令人透不過氣。」接著下來的一句更老套：「連感覺也好像沉沉的。」

這是真的，好像六七月起，或許是天氣悶熱令人心情煩燥，人們的心情隨著天氣變得情緒化，朋友們都好像不太愉快的樣子，我當然也是那個老樣子，這是近一年的主調。

我沒有怎樣的改變，是因為我覺得不愉快沒有甚麼大不了吧！最少我不愉快代表我還有感覺，如果某天發現自己失去了某些感覺，這才是一件大事。就因此，我很少會怕傷心而去保護自己，不竟心情高低起伏得像過山車，也會有回到出發點的一天，重新上路。

而且，不見得保護自己會使自己變得快樂。終有一天，會發現越保護自己，所得的更少。

又或嘗試去包裝自己成另一個人，不知不覺換去原來的一塊面而套上另一個面具，到頭來發現面具不適合自己，也很痛苦。我想與生俱來的那一塊面最童真，最可愛。現在的我沒有半點稱得上可愛，但我希望仍有一點傻氣、童真。不要以為這是幼稚，這一點也不是，相反如果真的是幼稚可能更好，一切來得簡單。

本來想寫開朗一點作結。無論如何，要開朗都不是我三言兩語可以改變。試試換一個心態吧，做別的事吧！心情自然會變得開朗。

一

再看一期一會，
再一次悲喜交集，
又一使我溫暖的片段，
就是差一步，永遠捉不到。

我仲想寫

1. 一啲對學生報嘅睇法。
2. 《盛夏光年》嘅睇法。
3. 睇完一套劇嘅睇法。
4. 列啲想睇嘅戲問人睇唔睇
5. 一啲近來嘅感覺，包括：夏天，返工，識新朋友，朋友...

如果最後都無心機寫，咁呢篇就係總結近來嘅諗緊嘅嘢。

It was a slow day

It really was. It seemed the day has prolonged to an extent I even realised suddenly if things happened earlier today has actually happened... today. On the other hand, I feel tired. And I don't want to write anything long and etc... Sigh, yet it seems I would have wasted this half an hour if I don't do anything.

Ah yes, I should go to sleep.

A jatan day

I took a day off. This is the first time that I took a day off but have nothing meaningful to do. I went out, got on a bus and go to some place far away, looking at the scenery along the way. I have had a good meal, it was delicious and I felt full as if my stomach was going to explode. - I always like the super full feel.

I started reading Eternal Summer at last. Haven't read books of the same kind for a long time. One has to imagine the portrayed colour, sound, smell... to understand the characters' feeling.

I am considering to switch Blogging platform once again. Now I am experimenting with Wordpress μ, which uses Wordpress at core but can provide multiuser capability. The migration from here is near-seamless. I have all the blog entries and comments in place in 2 minutes. Of course, I have not decided yet.

Have to work tomorrow (technically it is today). I think I have rested enough, but it won't take long before it wear me out again.

Again, if you haven't tried Facebook, please do. I re-united with some old friends there.

Update: What I didn't say is that I felt I was free, can do whatever I want, which maybe also the first time after I began working.