Posted on the 31st day of December, 2005

What the heck is life going on?

I can blame many people, and society. Why is it so hard for them to look from others' perspective? Why do they like stereotyping? People fear for no points at all. If you give it a deep thought, you will know: Why the author of the book laid out such an arbitrary rule?

It is difficult to live a normal life. From the outside, I am as kind and nice as I could be possible. Just look a layer down, it would not be quite the same. There are not many who know the real me, the acts that I have done. There is enormous prejudice to ignore. No matter one tells us how disgusting and weird that is, we have to stand still, or we will lose ourselves, lost in a world where it shouldn't have to be this way in the first place. I almost scrapped the person formerly known as me, the one who is well known by others. You may not like it, me neither, get used to it.

It is so difficult to view from others' perspective that I found it difficult to do as well. How it feels to be with a person like me. Well, I kind of knew, but it was like in a dream. And, it's time to wake up.

What was he thinking while he was looking out from the bank? I really like to know. What made him take the last move? I fear that I might just do the same, and it is not that difficult to cross the threshold.

It is hard to believe that I am the problem.

Posted on the 29th day of December, 2005

For those who don't know, I have created two blogrings, one for my former classmates and another one for y03 (and one y04) Computer Science classmates.

Posted on the 28th day of December, 2005

He is the World's #1 Cat.

於二零零五年聖誕日張貼

《遇上 1941 的女孩》

聖誕夜

聖誕夜　我突然流淚了　遠處的飛機風裏閃耀
爆炸的聲音不停不了　四周天崩地搖
有幾多人別去無聲　人間未等到天明
我究竟應該要如何反應
明日已經　已經　沒保證
為何甜夢最後變得一切不相同　原來人在世界始終孤獨
我盼當我走到盡頭　他可伴我在身旁
無奈是結局沒法為我變改

<>* 我的心如劃過流星　流落未知的將來
我與他可會仍然相愛　問誰人是我一生最愛 *

Posted on the Christmas Day, 2005

聽說，如果過去的一年有做一個乖孩子，聖誕老人會在平安夜送上禮物。他會乘坐雪橇，雪橇由小馴鹿拉動，逐家逐戶，在屋頂的煙囪爬進去，將禮物放進襪子。離開前，聖誕老人會吃光留給他的曲奇，再從煙囪爬出去，到下一家繼續行程。就在這一切發生的期間，孩子正睡著，驚喜正等待著他們。

就正於魔法一般，聖誕施展著無限的魅力，孩子們正期待著神秘的一刻。

現在我們知道了這個世界沒有聖誕老人，甚至有科學理論否定聖誕老人的存在的時候，那我們所期待的驚喜、實現夢想的魔法又怎樣？

除了聖誕，甚麼更值得孩子依靠？

I started regaining (in)sanity.

二零零五年十二月十四日

下午「經過」九龍塘又一城，離開地鐵站後踏上速度極快的扶手電梯，到 LG2 的 Pacific Coffee。第一次在這間咖啡店品嘗咖啡，普通買了一杯 tall cappuccino，隨便找了一個可以看到櫃檯的位置坐。四圍看看，這是一間很大的咖啡店，裡面有的東西比起一間星巴克更多花款。看物、看事、看人，看看在這裡工作的員工、在這裡溫習的學生……

嗯，這杯 26 元的咖啡一點也不貴。

"The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums."
~ G. K. Chesterton

 #  #  #

It's three o'clock in the morning. Words and ideas stuck in my head at this time of the day.

二零零五年十二月十一日

上午七時：電話的時鐘響起，看一看，天才剛亮。嗯，有的是時間，再睡一會吧！

七時三十分：電話又再響起，看一看，有的還是時間，再睡一會吧！

上午十一時：矇矓之中睡醒，看一看，原來沒有甚麼時間。起床，用電腦一會兒。

下午二時：一會兒變成了三小時，肚子有點餓，煮一個辛辣麵食。烹調的方法是將所有食物全部放入煲內大火煮十分鐘，同樣時間同樣方便但遠遠超越杯麵的質素。

下午三時半：食完杯麵，看完一集 Without a Trace，有一點點倦意，再瞓！（大家仲記唔記得尖沙咀果個 David 呢？）

晚上六時：起床，呆坐一小時。

晚上七時：食飯，沖涼，看電視，看狗。

晚上九時：出門，踏單車的時候，涼風吹過短褲，好凍。

晚上十時：沙田買了一杯 Double tall extra-hot cappuccino，星巴克的小姐提醒我小心。

晚上十時半：終於到達 924。

晚上十一時許：一切筆記準備就緒，開展溫書的第一頁。不過 Alvin 仍然在打機。

二零零五年十二月十二日

凌晨十二時零一分：「拍檔，生日快樂。」然後，繼續溫書。

凌晨三時：離開 924，回到應林，一個人獨佔一間兩人房間。

凌晨三時半：上床睡覺。

上午九時正：電話的時鐘響起，看一看。嗯，有的是時間，再睡一會吧！

上午九時二十分：不能入睡，或許睡得太多，又或許天氣太凍。

上午九時四十五分：咖啡角吃一號早餐加熱咖啡走甜。

上午十時許：進入大學圖書館一樓參考室，用電腦一會兒。

上午十時半：回到原來的座位，開展溫書第二頁。

下午三時：雖然已溫習過所有內容，但就沒有確切的理解。食「午飯」，吃一號茶餐加薯條加凍咖啡，走甜。

下午三時半：回到 924，人山人海。牛牛同學與我應考同一科目，他說：「死啦，唔識喎！」...「咪玩啦！」我想，如果你真的快死，那我一定已經死掉了。

下午四時二十分：「考生現在可以作答。」全卷五十分。試卷第零題（大概）：

Give a value estimate M of the score you will get in this exam. Suppose your real score is M₁. If | M₁ - M | <= 1, you get 2 marks. If | M₁ - M | <= 2 then you get 1 mark.

（你會如何答呢？）

下午六時二十分：「考試終結。」大概有一題半沒有作答。

嗯，希望不用重重讀。

The 9th day of December 2005

My secondary school teacher completed his master degree in Counseling. He was in the Chinese University today and took pictures like an undergraduate does, except that it is an over-aged undergraduate student. His classmates are generally even older than he is.

I squeezed half an hour or so to meet him at the University Mall (aka "the million road").  Jason is my former secondary school classmate and was here as well. I took several pictures with my teacher. While he was taking pictures with his classmates, he introduced me and Jason as his own students. I guess, having students to attend his own graduation would be interesting.

After that, I returned to my computer laboratory with piles of work waiting for me to finish, in less than 24 hours.

#  #  #

Late night at around 1 o'clock, I was waiting on the ground floor of the Engineering Building waiting for the hot stuff from there. I recalled what is in an episode of Six Feet Under: A motorcyclist was killed right after the show begins. In fact, in each episode of Six Feet Under, a person dies at the very beginning.

In the funeral of the motorcyclist, his wife gave this remark on his husband's life.

If he was careful, he might have lived longer.
But then, would he lived as happy?

Someone asked me if I actually prefer thinking thoroughly for everything, but trade this with piece of mind. My answer was yes. But I am starting to feel that I should not have taken everything so seriously... personally. Maybe  I will feel happier if I learn to let go... it doesn't have to be in anyway special for two buddies to get along with.

There are certain things of mine that I cannot change. My method of thinking, my lifestyle, what I liked... Being me, I can never be others.

I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.

Posted on the 9th day of December, 2005

In this world, getting blue is like on a daily basis.

No matter it is work, study, or friends... everything starts suffocating.

There are so many conflicts, so many choices, what should I do?

I guess what I need is a little support to keep me from falling too deep.

It doesn't have to be words of wisdom, or comforting words ... a simple hug would do.

Haris Lee did just that.

Although he might mean to do that for fun, but it is the kind of support I was looking for.